Birthday blues

Today is the last birthday I will celebrate. After this year, I will no longer plan or take special notice of the day of my birth. If the last few years have taught me anything, is that at least in my marriage, birthday is a synonym for misery. I have spent my last three birthdays sad, stressed out, disappointed and in tears. 

Pretty pathetic, I know! That tends to happen when your partner takes no notice of you; when that person successfully goes out of their way to make sure you have a horrible, sad and lonely day. The days leading up to your birthday should be filled with joy, excitement and anticipation, not anxiety, dread, sadness and resignation.

I don't know why I allowed myself to believe this year would be different. I knew exactly how the day would begin and end. I would wake up, make coffee and breakfast. Wash up the dishes, clean the kitchen and then sit in front of the tv and wait for him to awake, then wait some more and then some more after that. Finally, I would give up and go out on my own and treat myself to something special (mani-pedi.) I would return home and continue on waiting until he felt like going out, at which point he would find a way to pick a fight, ruin our outing and then blame me for it. 

The fight of the day was sex. My unwillingness to "hurry up and have a quickie before going to dinner." I don't know about you, but I just really enjoy being pressured into sex (not!), or using sex as an incentive to go out with me.  I mean, how could I think that going out to a place of my choosing, at a time of my choosing, on MY birthday was an option? Or that NOT having sex would be ok! Really, my bad mankind! I quite forgot myself on the selfish pursuit of a some minimal birthday joy! I quite forgot  my place! You know the one, the place that dictates that I should be up for some hanky panky whenever his mood suits, that only his needs matter, that I am to be cook, maid, sex slave, secretary, etc.  

Thus, instead of sex, or dinner or anything remotely pleasant on my birthday, I lay here in bed; eyes swollen from tears, ego bruised and heart broken. As I lay dramatically crying into my pillow, in walks his royal majesty to declare that I have made him feel less of a man by rejecting him. Mind you, I didn't actually reject him, I just rejected his approach; his need to make even the one day of the fucking year where the universe (or at least my small universe) should take note of me, about him and his incessant needs. 

Truthfully, I knew this would happen. I foresaw it, previous years acted as precedent. At the last minute, some major fight erupts, thus freeing himself of having to take me out; allowing him to resume his couch seating/video game routine, completely uninterrupted. 

I know, this is my fault. I allow it. Year after year, the serpent chasing its tail. I should quit my whining and do something about it. Leave the bastard! You say. Easier said than done. Marriage has been hard, mostly awful. And so, here I lay, a bit sadder, more broken and one year older. Next year I will forget to celebrate and save myself the pain. Today I go to bed with a belly full of self pity and a heart full of disappointment. It's 9:19pm, I'm 32. Goodnight.

ah the holidays!

Tis' the season of last minute rude shoppers, drunken weird uncles, and gaining 10lbs. in one sitting! How I love the holidays! It really is my favorite time of the year. I love the colors, the smells, the music, the cheer! It seems that this year is here even earlier! Snow in October! This year however, Christmas will be spent with The Motherload, at HER house. This means less cheery less merry drinking hours for me. If there is something I LOVE is to slave all day in the kitchen and set up a beautiful table, bring out the good china, turn on the candles and the holiday music and after all of that sit at my beautiful table with my beautiful family and eat amazingly delicious food while copiously drinking large quantities of vino. See, I'm not a drinker, I enjoy the occasional (very seldom) glass of wine, but christmas eve, I love to get nice and toasty (ed.) It helps me cope with the day, The Motherload, the strange church member that The Stepfather will for sure invite last minute and give absolutely no warning about, and it helps me cope with the absence of my dad, who at that moment will be 6000 miles away. Since christmas always happens at my house and I don't have to drive anywhere after or before dinner, I can do as much coping (i.e. drinking) as I desire! This year however, The Motherload demanded a change in tradition, she would like us all to go to her house (apartment- with no actual dinning room and a rather small -bar style- kitchen table) for Christmas. I tried to bargain holidays with her and get her to take Thanksgiving away but she was having none of it. So this year I have to drive to her house, and sit to eat my dinner on the couch! Normally I'm down with couch eating any day of the week, but christmas is special to me. The drinking will be done by The Hubbs, who also will need to cope. He will be coping with The Motherload, who greatly intimidates him-really she has that effect on almost everyone she encounters.

Christmas and Thanksgiving are the only two days a year were we all sit together with family and friends, at the same beautiful table and eat like normal civilized people. It means something to me to be able to see everyone together laughing and eating and talking and having a great time! SO here is to surviving this holiday, between all the unsolved sis/hubbs drama, this will be a strange and rather interesting holiday... 

"Those who complain are never pitied"

These are true words indeed! So complain I shall. It has been a trying few weeks, what with family drama, long work hours and more family drama, it has been truly endless. If I have taken anything away from this horrible last two weeks is that you never really truly know anyone, not really; not even your own family. That friendships can end over idiocy and money and that hearts can be broken over the same reasons. I have learned that people will go to all ends to ruin someone's life just because they are tired and disappointed with theirs, or because they blame the world for their failures and are incapable of assuming even the most minuscule amount of responsibility. Or that it is easier to believe rumors and idle gossip told by (an almost) complete stranger than believe a person you've known for years. Indeed it has been a trying few weeks and the end of this soap opera does not seem to be nearing... I can honestly say that I cannot wait to see until the final credits roll up for one last time....